Having trouble getting your man to put out?
Just need him to sit there while you have your wicked way?
Finding that a poke in the back, first thing in the morning, isn't really what you had in mind?
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LADIES, REACH FOR THE EAU DE COPULENCE!
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Have a look at our scientific case studies and decide for yourself.
CASE STUDY #1
I ran my fingers down the soft, silk of my new dress with its plunging neckline and surveyed the room with satisfaction. It looked gorgeous; tea lights flickered casting mysterious shadows on the walls and a heady perfume wafted from the rose petals scattered in a trail to the table set just for two. I picked up one of the crystal glasses filled with pink strawberry champagne and smiled to myself. Tonight had to be the night. After an endless drought of passion I was bursting for romance and a good honest shag! I reapplied my iridescent lipstick as I heard my husband’s car pull up in the driveway and waited breathless and full of anticipation as his key turned in the lock.
“What are you doing in the dark?” he said flicking the door closed with his foot, “Have we got a power cut again?”
I advanced towards him with the champagne in my hand and my breasts quivering as his hand reached for the light switch. “There that’s better. What’s this mess on the floor?” he said grinding the rose petals into the carpet. “You drinking already? Be a darl and get me a beer will you?” He plonked himself on the settee and turned on the TV. “Good match on tonight, you going to watch it with me?”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I rushed into the bedroom but I was not going to be beaten. If a sexy dress, sensuous lighting, rose petals and champagne wouldn’t awaken the inner man I had a secret weapon that would. I carefully opened my bedside drawer and took out the small vial and dabbed some drops behind my ears and on my wrists. I slipped out of my slinky dress and pulled on a sloppy jumper and headed back to the settee. One whiff and he was mine. A stupid smile played on his lips as I slipped my hand down his pants; eau de copulence had worked its wicked way!
CASE STUDY #2
Randy and I were headed for a night out at the clubs and pubs. Randy looked divine, as usual, with her perfect skin, flowing mass of dark curls and sexy figure.
“Do you like my dress?” she said when she caught me eyeing it enviously. “It was only $350 from that new boutique that’s just opened up.” Randy admired herself in my full length mirror. “I’m thinking of getting a boob job, what do you reckon?”
In my eyes Randy was perfect. She didn’t need a boob job, she was bursting out of her new dress and always had the guys fawning over her. That was the worst part of going out with Randy; she was drop-dead gorgeous and I was, well, not ugly but plain in comparison. She always had the pick of the men and I gathered up her cast-off crumbs. Men only talked to me so they could talk to Randy too and only danced with me while waiting for their turn with her. It was really demoralising for me but Randy was oblivious to it all and just basked in the adoration.
We headed off to the first club and the guys started to gather around Randy. I headed off to the loo because tonight I was going to turn the tables on my best friend. I took the small bottle from my bag and dabbed it behind my ears and headed back to Randy’s group of randy admirers. Male heads turned as I snuck into the conversation and within minutes they were hanging on my every word and Randy was left in the cold. I danced with each of them in turn while Randy sat alone on a stool by the bar. At last she could stand it no longer. “I’m going home,” she spat at me. “What’s got into you? You’re like a bitch on heat!” She stormed out of the club but I stayed on and knew I’d have a good night so long as my eau de copulence worked its magic. Now which one of them would I sleep with tonight?
CASE STUDY #3
I desperately wanted promotion at work and there was a job going that I knew I would be brilliant at. I had all the skills and the experience and it would mean a healthy wage increase which I desperately needed to cope with my huge mortgage. If I got the job I’d be able to afford to redecorate and go on holiday to America. It would also mean working closely with David, Adonis David I called him, tall, sensitive, intelligent and with the sexiest backside that I just wanted to grab every time he walked past. He had also broken up with his girlfriend six months ago and was just ripe for picking. I simply had to get the job.
“I see you’ve applied for that promotional job,” said Susanna as she floated past my desk. “David told me that 6 people have applied but he thinks I’m the top contender – just thought I’d let you know.” She smiled and headed off to David’s desk where she rested her arm possessively on his shoulder.
I watched her enviously and my heart sank. She was flirtatious, extrovert and sexy and already had a lot to do with David as they belonged to the same tennis club. She was my biggest threat.
The interviews were scheduled for that afternoon and I was really nervous particularly as I was the last to go in. Four candidates came and went and then it was Susanna’s turn. She was in with him for ages and when the door finally opened she was all smiles. “He’s just about promised me the job,” she gushed. “Don’t waste your time going in. You won’t get anywhere.” She swaggered back to her desk and I opened my drawer and pulled out a small bottle. If I needed a bit of help it was now. I dabbed the perfume on my wrists and headed in to the interview.
David was sitting behind his desk looking bored. He’s decided on Susanna, I thought, and he’s just going through the motions. “This shouldn’t take long,” he said. “Tell me how you would implement our new strategy.”
I leant forward and put my arms on the desk letting the perfume waft across to him and started to talk. Within minutes he was staring into my eyes and not listening to a word I said. “You know we’d have to work closely together,” he eventually managed to say. “Would that be a problem for you?”
A problem for me? Hell, no, I thought. “I think we would make a really good team,” I replied honestly, “as we have complementary skills. What do you think?”
“I think I’d like to work with you very much,” he murmured.
Susanna couldn’t believe her ears when David announced my appointment. I had the job and a new boyfriend. Adonis was mine thanks to eau de copulence.
Short stories written by Judy Davies, cartoons by Nicola Milan.
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